A #manvas Proposal – Swift Reaction for the 21st Century

Official Statement from Dr. Ben Carson:

      Today, I am asking Congress to stop the Obama Administration’s plans to bring in up to 45,000 Syrian refugees. There is currently no ability to vet these people. By letting refugees into our country without vetting we are putting America at risk. If our President cannot see the risk, then we must rise to the challenge and protect our country.

A #manvas Proposal

Swift Reaction for the 21st Century

by Brett Ramseyer

Oh Dr. Carson, oh hammer of knowledge, oh knife fight of imagination, oh naybob of neuroscience, I must heed your clarion call. I too, must protect America because it is flaming liberals like Dr. Ben Carson and Donald Trump that set me on edge, endanger us all.

Dr. Carson casts dust in my eye. 45,000 unvetted Syrians, he says, must be halted at the borders, turned back to the sea and all will be well. That is akin to prescribing a lozenge for a cough during stage quatro of cancer and claiming I’m cured. What a socialist quack. Now I am starting to see the danger of Canada’s universal health care so close to our borders.

45,000 unvetted? And Donald “The Gauche” Trump with his 11 million undocumented illegals rounded up and punted back to Mexico (even if they are from another nation) thinks he has ideas that keep America safe. Perhaps he only has a degree from “Trump University.” I could upgrade him to the V.I.P.Ph.D. package for just $65,000 of high interest leverage. But he knows how to “take advantage of the U.S. tax laws” so I imagine he would declare bankruptcy and I would not see a dime.

45,000. 11 million. One time dribbles in the ocean.

America, the flood is not battering our shores. The waves do not rise from without. No, no the largest torrent of unvetted, unquestioned, unscreened, unnoticed dangers percolates closer to home. Our water is broken to the tune of 3.98 million risks clamoring to enter our nation every year and that tide rises.

Dr. Commie Carson worries about 45,000 Syrians. My concern will eclipse that figure by this Sunday at noon. The Gauche’s 11 mill will be replaced in less than three years and keep growing like a teen with his head in the refrigerator in perpetuity.

Balderdash? Hogwash? Or cold hard facts incubated in our nation’s womb?

All across this nation, right now, doctors, nurses, midwives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbor’s cousins and Facebook “Friends” are doing nothing to stop this danger. In fact they perpetuate it with every share, reTweet and hashtag of their romantic entanglements from Farmers Only, Plenty of Fish and Match. (I do not include eHarmony because their questionnaire is so damn long that everyone is vetted.) They are guilty with their presence at weddings, showers and birthdays and I have had just about enough of their socialist-Hugo Chauvez-Castro-Lenin-leaning-Marxist malarkey.

We must halt the skyrocketing unvetted birth rate in America.

US Birth Rates

Before the Pro-Life Patriots pick-up the pitchforks, read carefully. This plan is not about abortion, so simmer down. All current buns in the oven are de facto buns in the oven. Let’s keep our eyes on the balls, shall we. One would think this was a Rousey v. Wade grudge match.

Every newborn child in America born to legal citizens and illegals is an unsubstantiated risk. A known unknown. An unknown unknown. And who is trained at American hospitals to wait at the hatch when they slide into our popular sovereignty to ask them a single question? Do doctors, Dr. CC, receive this training? Nurses? Surely midwives do or doulas; they are skilled at talking.

The answers to my rhetoric Dr. CC and The Gauche are of course no one.

How can we possibly be safe in America until every birth lands in a gray rectangular tray and is then immediately passed through an x-ray machine? WE CANNOT.

Even if we did have a BSA (Birth Security Administration) Agent at every birth canal, notepad at the ready, what would these refugees of Amnion say? They never give us their name. They cannot give us their birthday even when it is on the wall across the room. They have no papers. They have no recollection of their whereabouts of the last nine months. They smell. They are covered in filth. They are naked. They cry and shiver, but plead the Fifth Amendment from moment one. They act like they do not even speak our language. This is the U.S. of A. where we speak English. What are these little buggers hiding?

And here’s the kicker. I bet Dr. CC and The Gauche want us to take these kids home with us too! They do not do any work. They do not pay any taxes. They use their mothers like a snack bar. They keep us up all hours of the night. They lower the productivity of their hard working parents. They eat like there is no tomorrow. They shit like a nuclear powered soft-serve machine on a bender. Let’s be honest. They are freeloaders. The Gauche would not let them skip out of rent when he knocks to collect, but he says nothing about stopping their unvetted assault on the services of America.

Next Dr. CC and The Gauche will take us back to the W. Bush years when U.S. birth rates reached their highest point of this century. They will take the liberty to start a federal program to tattoo the uterine linings of all women with a picture of some lady carrying an open flame, wearing loose, flammable robes, and slippery unsensible sandals. She will hold a sign that says:

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

– Emma Lazarus

Seriously? A torch. I mean it is already hot and dry due to no fault of man or fuel consumption that I can tell. Let’s face it. Most of America is already on Ashley Madison or Tinder. Wake up and smell the smoke America, we are en feugo and these Republiberals pretend that they know how to keep us safe.

Now all the bleeding hearts who wish to gush about the innocence of youth need a little history lesson. Those who cling to the certitude of American exceptionalism should pick up a newspaper.

Where was the BSA when Timothy McVeigh shot out the slippery slope and slide. Remember him? The Oklahoma City Birther. Or Ted Kaczinsky. The Unabirther. John Wilkes Birth. Charles Man”no more”son, Eric Harris, Dylan Kleborn, Adam Lanza, Ted Bundy, David Birthowitz, Jeffrey Dahmer, James “take the baby” Holmes, Adolf Hitler. Now, I know little Adolf was born in Linz, Austria, but it would have been nice if he had answered a few questions on his birthday to save the planet some grief.

My digression into history does not fit the modern attention span and I have filled heads with fantastical whimsy of hundreds of thousands of potential jobs created in the BSA and heavy industry of next generation x-ray machines, but it is in austerity that I see the genius of my plan. We must cut the cords on our dependence on domestic boys and goils.

I can sum up my plan in two words for the harried – mandatory vasectomies (#manvas for the technologically savvy). See, I promised no abortions. Think of the benefits.

1) Only about half of the population will need a #manvas. Savings.

2) With abortion restrictions becoming unnecessary, half of the Supreme Court’s docket would be immediately expunged leaving them more time to consider challenges to the Affordable Care Act. Since six of the nine justices may need some medical leave if they have not already had a voluntary vasectomy, the decreased workload could be welcome. I volunteer Justice Antonin Scalia to #manvas the nation spreading awareness. As one of two remaining nominees on the court from the Republican messiah, Reagan, Scalia has long been on a quest to be immortalized as a verb. Imagine him bragging on a hunting trip with his buddies, “He won’t be in to work tomorrow. His doctor scaliaed his sac this morning. He’s walking a little funny.” Awareness.

3) Cottage industries would spring up across the land. Crocheted #manvas convalescence cozies could boost Etsy stock and create a little income for grandmother’s who will lose their Affordable Health Care and who no longer have grandchildren to nag them with hugs and requests for cookies. Revenue.

4) Obviously this would lessen the number of future unvetted serial killers, psychopaths, mass murderers, school shooters, drug shooters, girls who work at Hooters born within our shores. Safety.

5) As women now comprise a majority of all new college graduates there may be many men who do not even notice that the #manvas has been done. Give them a beer, a couch, wide screen 4K TV, the remote and a dose of ketamine during March Madness and problem, pretty much solved. If it leaves a blood stain just flip over the cushion. Who’s gonna know? Besides, the date rapers have been blaming the victim for centuries so it is about time the shoe finally hit the good foot and did a bad thing. Retribution.

I can feel the ground swell of this in my conservative brethren as I type. They give me strength and I will need it. I have seen the dangers of the unvetted newborn masses arrive at its ugly fruition first hand.

My own children are plotting to kill me.

My oldest vomited on my face. That is practice with explosives.

My daughter is gorgeous, drop dead some might say.

My youngest nearly died of a heart defect at five weeks old. He nearly scared me to death. I find this no coincidence with him pleading the 5th when born. He was taunting me. Now he loves to wrestle and pounce if I fall asleep on the floor. He launches a flying knee to my navel with maniacal laughter.

My daughter loves to bake and cook. She accidently-on-purpose spills everywhere. Ice and oil make unsure footing on the kitchen tile. Unwiped tomato sauce smolders on the burner waiting to ignite the house.

My oldest cannot wait to replace me. He walks by me, smirk on his face, eyes in their corners as he stretches his neck to see if he is taller than Dad. He looks just like me and I wonder if I would even be missed. He hides in his room creating “devices” day and night. He suspiciously watches How It’s Made. He stalks through the yard shooting arrows from his homemade quiver made from duct tape. He usually only appears when hungry, head in a cupboard, face over a bowl, chewing. He eats in the cover of darkness. He guzzles gallons of milk to strengthen his bones. We have no food. He is trying to starve me out.

No illegals, no refugees, Syrian or otherwise have ever done any of these things to me, yet my children are never mentioned in stump speeches on the Republican campaign trail.  Oh the negligence, the complacency.  May it ring the doom of their failed campaigns.

Lest the world call me reactionary I say look at your offspring. Observe them. They are in training and no one has questioned them. They leave your house most of the day and spend time on playgrounds, hand over hand building upper body strength shouting “Yahwehu monkey bars!” They are called “It” as they hunt down their peers at full speed before slapping them with their dirt smudged hands. The swings are human catapults for launching attacks. They line up singing chants. In winter if they wrap their scarves around their heads what is a playground, but an Al-Qaeda training camp, an ISIS recruitment video?

They are The Base of my fanatical fears.

They sit in rows studying texts, learning to read, Snap Chatting secrets, YikYaking anonymous threats. They sneeze biologics into the air, bring bugs home in their hair.

No, Dr. Ben Carson, Donald Trump, “Republican” candidates, and whichever of the other ones who eventually will win the nomination, I see through your liberal bias media manipulation in two seconds flat. You are not knee-jerk-reactionary enough. You willfully ignore the greatest threat to the American way, testicular proliferation. May God have mercy on your souls.

#manvas 2016!


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